February 4, 2004 

Today marks one year that my brother has been missing. I miss him alot. I miss his soft voice. I miss the excitment in his eyes over the silliest things. I miss our long deep discussions about life. The not knowing is so hard. Watching my mother go through it is even harder. My heart aches so bad and wants to grieve the loss i'm feeling but my head is holding on strong because I know it's probable that he could walk up to me tomorrow with a big smile across his face.

My emotions are torn in so many different directions it's getting harder and harder to focus my attention one way or another.  I am more than frustrated with the search.  People have been very friendly and helpful but there are no more leads to follow or accounts to trace.  I continue to make contact with people who can help or places I think he might be and still talk to anyone who will listen...all the while knowing it's like looking for a needle in a haystack the size of the world.  Reaching out and coming up empty at every turn is frustrating to say the least. Yet i'm unable to stop looking.

There is so much I worry about ...where he is and what he's doing. Is he safe or is he suffering? Is he happy? Is he out there just 'finding himself' or is he truly lost? I wonder if there's anyone around him that knows who he really is....and is he even aware?... Is he even out there? Nothings the same here. There's a piece missing to our puzzle.

He doesn't know we're moving into our family home or what's been going on in the lives of the people he cares so much about. He wont be home for our annual family extravaganzas again this year.  He's missing out on our kids who he really loves and who love him.  He isn't even aware that he has a beautiful new neice who will be christened next week.  I know these things have to tear at him.  They certainly tear at all of us....

~Kim