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Journal
February 18, 20002
Well here I am again with lots to say. This journal entry was one of the goals I set for myself today. I've been meaning to get to it for weeks now and, as it often is, I just don't find time enough in my day to get it done. So here I am, peddaling away on my bike as I get my thoughts in order....10 miles so far. I know it helps alot of you to read what I put here, but not near as much as it helps me to share what's in this head of mine.
Alot has been going on in regards to my weight loss lately and it all started with a conversation with a very wise woman I know who has also lost quite a bit of weight......more research and knowledge....and a dead 9 volt battery in my scale upstairs.
Let me start from the beginning. Many of you know that I am constantly trying new things and finding new ways to help myself along this journey. Having started with 200 pounds to lose, I think that's an important part in all of this. After having lost so much, it doesn't just happen all by itself......in fact, sometimes you've got to fight with everything you have in order to move just one more inch in the right direction. That can be frustrating,...when you're eating right, shaking it up, working out like a mad-woman....and nothing. I'm quite positive that this is the reason so few people succeed for a lifetime....but, to me, there still remains only two options and one of them is just not even a consideration. Sticking it out is the key....and that's what I will do. I will be one of those very few who succeed for a lifetime....i've not a doubt in my mind about that.
Now, some people might be content to be where I am....having lost 170 pounds....feeling fit and active....eating right because it feels right...the list goes on and on. I know people who would kill to be where I am....I used to be one of them. I do appreciate the kind words and all the compliments I continue to receive.... but, this is all about me and how I feel. As selfish as that may sound, that's how it is...and that's how it needs to be. Don't think i'm not happy with myself or proud because I am ....but i'm not ready to stop fighting and in no way am I content....yet.
That being said, I am left with the question of how it is I go the rest of the way when sometimes it feels as if this is an impossible battle to win. One of my answers, I know, is building muscle. Along with all of the fat I have lost over the last few years, I have lost muscle as well. Your body needs muscle in order to burn fat efficiently...see, I know this.....but yet....there remains this inner struggle. I need to be reminded....and was. See what you get by reaching out to the others who are where you are? Knowledge is power and support is fuel!
Now the problem is that when I first started with weight training I got bored with the smaller weights as i'm someone that needs to 'feel the burn' when I workout....and I had too hard a time with the numbers going up on the scale that I kept my workouts to just twice a week. If one of those days happened to fall on a Tuesday, I would just stick to cardio because I didn't want the scale going up, as I knew it would, on Thursday. Ugh...the power that scale has over us.
Which brings me to the message I got when the battery died in my bathroom scale. Now, i'm not really one of those self defeating people who let the numbers ruin my efforts but I must admit that after almost a week of being OP, doing at least 20 miles per day on my bike with heavily weighted ankles and wrists (the more you weigh, the more you burn), long brisk walks uphill in freezing cold winter air and getting back to weight training and sore muscles....seeing that 3lb gain did me no good at all. I didn't overeat and I didn't stop with all of the exercise but I did get discouraged so when I climbed back on that scale the next day and the battery was dead, I took it as a sign .....and stopped weighing myself.
I also stopped going to my Weight Watcher's meetings. This is not something I would recommend so please don't use my reasoning as an excuse for you not to go. I have been a Weight Watcher for many years now and feel I can just about run a meeting myself....but I still go because I ALWAYS leave with something that helps me as well as a renewed spirit, there is nothing like the support of people who are also fighting this battle......but I just don't want to deal with the scale right now. It's as simple as that. I will go back before long because I do think we need accountability. But I also know what I need to do and this is right for me for now......i'm sure of it. I don't worry about the TOM or my hormones.... I don't worry about my sodium intake on the day's before weigh-in....I don't worry about how much weight i'm lifting or how often i'm doing it. No, i'm not perfect, but I do make healthy choices on the whole. I keep my journal and stay within my points. I am making the best out of every day for no other reason besides the way I feel.....and i'm reaping the rewards that you just can't get at the scale. Because of the exercise, my body is shrinking...it's evident to me for the first time in several months...that is so important to one's pyche. I can see the muscles more defined in my body and my strength is increasing. My diet is actually better because of the added workouts....you just naturally want to eat better things with all those endorphines pumping through your body. I concern myself only with feeling good and doing the best I can do not because of anything other than ME. Isn't that what it's about?
This is the first time in over 4 years that I don't know how much I weigh. It's one of the few things i've not tried because until now I really felt as though I needed the accountability of weighing in every week. I feel like this is a huge success for me but at the same time, I am all too familiar with the 'doing it on my own' mentality...that is not what i'm doing. Because of the website, I have support anytime I need it. This is all about the scale and taking it out of the equation....for now. I will keep you posted and I will return to my meetings and weigh-in when I feel the time is right.
22.5 miles. :-)
Something else i'm doing is that i'm actually trying to eat more. What a difficult concept to try to drive into your skull after we are so conditioned to believe that we are just eating too much in the first place....so NOT true! I, for one, gained most of my weight during a time when I rarely would eat for a good part of the day and it was a rare occassion that a veggie ever found it's way through my lips and into my body. hehe It has alot more to do with what you are not eating than you think. While I also know this information to be true as well, it's still so difficult to grasp at times so i've been making goals to be sure I reach a certain number of points in a day. Ahhhhhh....mind games....tell yourself to eat less and you just want more....convince yourself of eating more and you can't seem to get there. Why is nothing simple and easy?
Because I tend to keep my day's low in points compared to my nights, i've instead started having a larger breakfast and find that i've got alot more energy because of it. I've been finding ways at night to keep myself away from my 'usual' behaviors and eating habits just so I have that change as well. It all comes down to how bad you want it.....can ya tell yet that I want it BAD? :-)
I had a visit to my doctor's office last month because of pains i'd been having in my back. I was told I had a curve in my spine (scoliosis, or so she thought) and that I was having serious spasms in the muscles on the left side of my body. She told me many things and recommended getting a jaccuzzi.....poor me, huh? hehe I have learned though this doctor and from 'magic mary, the massaging wonder', who also happens to be the wise woman I discussed above, that the muscles on the left side of my back are much larger than the ones on the right because of my weight loss and the way it has affected my body, my posture, the way I cross my legs now, sitting at the computer, how I sleep.....etc. That is what they 'think' has caused the curve of my spine. So, i'm left with working specific muscles on the right side more than I do the left as to build them up or else I will have many more problems as I age. Yet another reason to focus on weight training! I'm also not to cross my legs and after so many years of not being able to that, I must admit it just urks me a bit. Hard habit to break as well!
I had also found a few lumps on my body that I wasn't too concerned with but wanted to be sure to have checked out while I was there. When you lose alot of weight you start to feel lots of things that you're not sure should be there because they had been covered with fat for so long. I'm told that you can also develop harmless 'bumps' such as these. As i'm not too educated on them, I wont go into detail. But, I will remind you that it's important to have anything that you question checked out. I'm sure glad I did.
Well, thanks once again for creeping into my muddled brain with me...it helped me to get it out. I hope some of you can relate to something i'm going through and that it helps you on your own journey as well.
Until next time, remember...
the only one who can stop you....is you!
~Kim
p.s. 36 miles....and going....it feels so good to feel so good! :-)
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