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Journal
March 13, 2003
'In the darkest hour the soul is replenished and given strength to continue and endure.'
-- Heart Warrior Chosa
Most of you know by now that my brother, Mike, has been missing from his California home since February 8th. To be quite honest the past 5 weeks have really been just a blur for me. The search is highly intense and emotionally draining to say the least but there is no question that we will not stop until we find him. Mark and I have already travelled to California once and I, along with other members of my family, will be going back again soon to continue the search. All of the major papers nearbye Michael's home in Menlo Park have already covered the story and our local papers here in Massachusetts have also picked it up. CBS's 48 hours investigates has contacted me and are interested in doing Mike's story as well.
As you can imagine, falling back on old behaviors is quite easy to do in times of such emotional turmoil. Afterall, what does diet and exercise matter when my brother is missing??? In the first week or so I was sat here at the computer day and night going through my brother's laptop via remote access looking for clues, contacting and hacking into every resource I could possibly find (shhhh!). I slept and ate very little. I found myself going all day without eating a thing then just popping anything that was quick and easy into my mouth when I started to feel faint. Everything I put in wanted to come right back out anyway. But this is the behavior that I have had to battle with most. As strange as it sounds, not eating enough of the good stuff is what helped to make me 200 pounds overweight in the first place.
After I exhausted every resource I could from here, I had a meltdown of sorts. I knew I had to regroup and part of that is taking care of myself. When I take care of me, I can take care of everything else alot better. Besides, my allergies are still kicking my ass and it only helps when i'm at the top of my game.
So I am taking my own advice. Keeping my journal takes alot of effort right now but I am doing it every single day. Finding the time to exercise is a struggle too, but I need to vent the emotional energy in a positive way. I've set a goal of fitting in at least a mile a day and it has certainly helped. I am still taking part in our challenge and it continues to help my efforts. Eating right and exercising allows me to be at my best.....and my family needs me to be at my very best right now!
Although it pales in comparrison to recent events, I know that my brother is inspired a great deal by my weight loss and uses that to find strength to deal with things in his own life. Not taking care of me right now would be a letdown to him as well as myself.
Thanks once again for all of the prayers and support. It really does mean the world to me.
~Kim
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