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Journal
April 24, 2002
I have been trying to get here for so long now that i'm not even sure where to begin. I guess first I should thank all of you who mail me concerned with how i'm doing and why i've not written a journal entry. It means alot to me that you care. Let me also say that Getting2Goal has become a huge responsibility and I really do spend ALOT of time here each day just keeping it going while still striving to get all that I need from it as well. When I do find the time it's more important to me that I make all of the updates I can, answer emails and get into the message board as much as possible. I realize these journal entries are few and far between and I admit they are not my top priority (probably because I spend far too much time inside my own head as it is)...So if you are ever curious as to how i'm doing, if you have a question, if you want to know what i'm eating or what i've been doing for exercise on any given day.....you have only to check the boards because I am there everyday. Helping to support others as I support myself. That is my true mission.
It has been two months now since i've stepped on an accurate scale and I must say it's been an eye opening experience for me. I've always prided myself on not letting the scale get the better of me or my efforts. Not only have I weighed-in at WW each week for years now, but I also got on my home scale everyday. Now, looking back, I realize that this is what taught me to not always trust the numbers......that is a good thing. But I also see much more clearly now how those numbers can be so discouraging when you just know you're doing well and it's not paying off. How that in itself can sabotage you. Having to pay more attention to my body and the signs it's giving me has taught me alot about what i could be doing better, where I need to put my focus without the pressure of the scale. It's no longer about what I can do this week to get those numbers to go down more....it's how is what i'm doing today going to effect my tomorrow and the days that follow. The last time I was without a scale was in 1999. In those four weeks I gained over 10 pounds! My body will pretty much tell me now when i've gained or lost even a pound or two. I know that i've done well without the scale and I don't need the numbers to see the success in that.
Two weeks ago I was finding it hard to reach my minimum in points. I was eating well throughout the day, getting my guidelines met and my exercise in but just not reaching the low number. I didn't have the normal cravings for starchy, sweet things and i'm sure that reflected on my choices but I certainly wasn't starving either. I had this inner battle because I know by not eating enough I will not lose as well but at the same time isn't the system Weight Watcher's sets for us meant to be used as a guideline more than anything else? Shouldn't I trust my body? Yes, I think so too!  I wasn't hungry.....and I certainly wasn't going to force myself to eat to meet some number. That is a behavior i've worked way too hard to change!
"The only thing that is truly constant.....is change."
Now isn't that the truth!
From the underpoints mode above, up until a couple of days ago, I found myself 'one-pointing' the program to death while struggling to keep below the maximum number! What is up with that? How can one person go from being so in control, feeling so fit and so healthy and craving more of it to wanting to dive head first into a pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish food ice cream??? (26 points for the pint btw!) That's just wrong that happens like that. We can blame hormone's, stress, boredom.... anything we want really but the truth is that those things are still going to happen and it's up to us to find a way to deal. Anyway, i'm glad to say that I conquered those demons and stayed on my streak of being on program. Perseverence! It helped alot to have taken such notice of the week before and how strong I felt.....I did alot of positive self talk. I swore at the clock using the 10 minute rule, I found something else to do besides eat, I left the house, I exercised, I went back to day one. I kept focusing on that empowered feeling coming back......I knew it would. Because...
Yup...."The only thing that is truly constant.....is change."
Something I did notice in my week or so of struggle is that I wasn't feeling as good about myself. My clothes didn't seem to fit as well...I was retaining water. I had been working hard and doing so well that I knew I hadn't gained any weight. But I still felt this way...I didn't feel at the 'top of my game'. This is what used to set off a self destructive pattern. Those of you who have been there can relate i'm sure. The best way to describe the feeling I had is like a let-down at the scale.....only without the scale. Feeling like you gained but not even getting to 'earn it' just sucks! Maybe that's why we try to go on and earn it?
Ahhhhh......lesson learned.....sticking it out makes ALL the difference!
We began a new 12-week cumulative challenge on the message board that has helped to bring new spark into this for many of us. The idea is to get us back to the basics, focusing on the different aspects of weight loss. I have been on program for 24 days now...journaling, shaking things up, and adding new goals each week to a list of others. There is a sense of a team effort and no worry of failure or struggle because not one of us will be absolutely perfect though the entire thing. Of course there's nothing wrong with striving for a little perfection either. I am a team player, i'm stubborn and I like to challenge myself so what it's come down to is that the better I am doing, the better I want to do. Works for me!
I've not yet reached a decision about the scale. I thought I would be going back to Weight Watchers last week but when the time came it just didn't feel right. No matter how I feel on any given day I still know that i'm doing the absolute best that I can do. That is enough. It actually helps not to have to step on that scale each week. Yes, I could use the liberty plan and go monthly or whenever I feel I want to......and yes, I could go and just not look at the results (yeah right!) but I don't even want it as part of the equation. Maybe i'm rebelling?  I am missing Andrea and the meetings alot. They are a big factor in my success and I do want that back. I believe that will be the deciding factor and i'm sure in due time I will go back and continue to be weighed-in. The good part is that I can take this experience with me..... and that I know better now.
I have been racking up the miles on both the bike (which i'm on at this very moment) and on my treadmill! Yes, you heard me right.....my treadmill is now back in business!!! We ordered so many parts and tried fixing so many different things that I was about to lose it and go buy another even though this one was quite expensive. Then Mark finally talked to this very nice man who works at the Hebb company and he gave him some other things to try. Mark then had a friend at work fix something up which made it work. I can't tell you how very happy I am to have this back and the renewed spirit it has brought to me. I am working out like a fiend these days. Probably a bit in excess but i've been without it for so long that I feel like a dog who's been cooped up for months who can now run and run......and run! Just try and stop me!
Many other things have happened over the last couple of months that have brought new light and fight to my journey.
We had our Toledo Get2Gether at the beginning of March and I was able to spend some time with so many of the people that I see here everyday. It was very special to me and I am really looking forward to our October Get2Gether in Boston.
My very dear friend Julie (aka walkinlady) reached her 150 pounds off mark this month and that really hit me like a ton of bricks. I am just so proud of her! Watching someone who is so much like yourself succeeding like that....knowing all of her struggles from the past and watching her persevere and win was more inspirational than I could put into words. I have watched her grow and begin to believe in herself.......and now I get to watch her bloom into who she was always meant to be. It's a beautiful thing. There is no stopping her and her enthusiasm is contagious!
There have been so many people who have belonged to getting2goal for some time now and may not have lost an ounce of weight but I still notice the changes they are making in themselves. You know who you are. I notice new attitude and new drive. I notice them coming back to fight instead of staying away because they're not always doing so well. They probably don't even notice it in themselves or how much of a success that really is....or how much it inspires the rest of us! This is what it's all about people!
Another very close friend and someone who also serves as a great inspiration not only in her weight loss efforts, but simply in who she is as a person, had the first of her skin reduction surgeries just last week. Because she is to be resting, I will not say much more than I hope this is all you dreamed it would be and....... thank you so much. Her experience has helped me reach the decision that I will also have skin reduction surgery. I will speak to my doctor about it again on my next visit and I will see the plastic surgeon in June and will discuss it more with him then. I don't think that I am an extreme case or that the skin that I do have isn't something I can't live with for the rest of my life but I see more and more as my body is taking shape what is ......just skin....mostly on my lower belly and under my arms. It can get in the way and I can see what it will feel like and what I would look like without it. How nice it will be to .......as my surgeon so put it.......be "tidyied up".
So, you see it's been quite a productive and successful couple of months for me....and all of that without a scale! I know i've lost weight but to tell you the truth, it really doesn't matter where the numbers are right now. The time will come, i'm sure, but for right now it just feels so good to be doing so good.
So, until next time (which hopefully wont be as long as last ) remember........
"By far, you are your toughest competitor.
You must fight yourself to keep going, to keep breathing, to get through each day,
but when you are able to conquer yourself, you can do anything.
Be your own inspiration!"
~Kim
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