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Journal
May 10, 2002
We are at the half way point in our challenge now and it is time to reflect.
Rather than reflecting on just the last six weeks of this challenge, I felt it just as important to begin by looking at the entire last year of my life and this journey. It's what this challenge has helped me to see that is truly important. Hopefully, sharing these experiences and all that I have learned will help someone else.
When I began getting2goal, almost two years ago now, I weighed somewhere just over 230 pounds.......again. I was struggling....just keeping my head above water. Over the course of about a year after my father's death, I had put back on over 30 of the over 160 pounds I had already lost...and was reaching out so that the rest didn't come back to me as well. Been there, done that.  I had decided long before that point that I would not give up on myself....no matter what. Thank goodness I was blessed with that kind of stubborness and determination!
One of my greatest strengths is knowing when I need support and not being afraid to reach out for it....and who to look at for it. It is the strongest among us who can ask for help. I also knew that helping and watching others succeed often does more for my efforts than my own success sometimes. I had learned to be honest with myself. I knew I wasn't doing everything that it took ....but I was doing something and that mattered too....otherwise, I would have been well over 350 pounds again by that point. That is a success in itself, is it not? I focused on that and prayed everyday that the determination and drive I had felt before would come back.....and it did.....with full force. I never imagined it would take me so long or that it would be such a struggle but looking back now......I still wouldn't change a thing.
Knowledge teaches us...... Struggle empowers us.......and perseverance is truly the key to success.
Once those 30 pounds (plus) were off again I found myself with a new kind of struggle. Even having that kind of self-empowerment and determination back again, finally reachhing that '165' mark, having a spot on the discovery channel, being in FIRST magazine, getting to meet the dutchess....all of the attention........none of that made me want it any less. I had learned that lesson boy! Even my doctor told me he'd be happy if I just stayed where I was.....arrrghhhh!
Sure, i've had success, but i'm still not where I want to be and that is most important to me. What a huge thing that is.......it's too easy to fall into other people's ideals of you or what you should be. Who are we doing this for anyway? What a great lesson to keep your focus and just learn to say "thank you" when complimented......thanks Andrea. 
Anyway, I was still eating well and exercising an awful lot. I was jogging 5 miles straight! I was finally taking my own advice and doing everything that it took to go the rest of the way......only, it still wasn't coming....not fast enough for me anyway. We had all the stress of building and moving into our new home added to the everyday ageda of life.......and I still stuck to my guns. Months went by.....I saw my body changing, other people saw my body changing........ so, why wasn't the rest coming off? How VERY frustrating!!! 
So, here comes the choice......
a.) I surrender to it, just keep doing what i'm doing and be content with what I get or....
b.) I keep the fight, keep doing the best that I can do and keep finding new ways to get to where I want to be.
If you know me at all then you know it's a no-brainer.......but I still ask myself the question all the time. It helps the force that drives me to remind myself of that first weigh-in.......knowing I would one day step on that scale and be 200 pounds less than I was that day. I will get there. It may not be tomorrow, next month or even next year.......but I will get to where I want to be. I have no doubt about that.....funny, I never have.
It helps for me to talk with other people who feel as I do. People who have lost a substantial amount of weight and who now have to fight like hell for every pound. It happens alot of us. 200 pounds is alot of weight to lose. I have made such drastic changes to my eating habits, my lifestyle and my behaviors over the last few years that I have to wonder if my body is just in complete shock.  It knows now that I eat well, it knows that I exercise and it's used to these things. My body is well defined under what's left to lose and the skin and i'm healthier and in better shape than most people I know. Doesn't all of that stand for more than what any scale could say? Sure.......but I still want it. Oh, i'm just so stubborn, aren't I? I don't think it's the scale so much as it is just wanting to be the best that I can be......i've come this far....why settle for anything less? My father always said, if you do anything you give it 100%......you do the best that you can do. Sure, I was fighting for it.....but, was I really doing that?
If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.
Just because I was doing what I had been doing for years now and probably more than most people would even consider doing doesn't mean I was doing everything that I could do to get what I wanted. Make sense? Well, it does to me.
So, what does it all come down to? What does it all mean? Well, I have to fight harder now.....and that's ok. If this was a cancer taking over my body I would do anything in my power to heal myself. If this was about anyone else that I cared for then I would make certain I gave it 100% ......and then some. What is it that stops me from doing even more....fighting even harder than I am? I've already been to the depths of despair both psychically and emotionally. There have been moments and events in my 32 years in which I would have given my own life to change things.......and I had no power. I know what it feels like to be helpless.
This is something I can fight for. This is something I can change......this is something that I want. It's something that will help to empower me and everything that I choose to do for the rest of my life.
This is so much more than just weight loss.
The last six weeks have taught me alot. They have taught me that there is more that I can do.
It wont always consume me. I wont always have to exercise for hours out of every day. I won't always have to weigh, measure and journal every bite that goes into my mouth. I wont always have to step on the scale hoping for a loss to measure my success. But, for right now.......I do. If I really want it then I need to do more of it....all of it. I don't have to settle.
My food scale is out. Everything that goes into my mouth is weighed, measured and written down. There are no more extra bites, there is no more "just" a bit of this or that. When i'm not sleeping i'm thinking of a way to move more...burn more calories. I have been on program for 40 days as of today. Not perfect, but very close to it. Incorporating new things into my diet has always been a challenge for me since I am such a picky eater, but i've made some progress in that area as well. Shaking up my eating habits has helped too. I do believe that I will need to continue putting more effort into this if I want the results i'm looking for...and that I will!
The challenge and the streak I am on has saved me from making some poor choices on more than one occassion over the past 6 weeks. It has helped to change my attitude. It has made me more determined. I have kept my journal faithfully, even printing it out from the forums when I go offline at night to be sure I am sticking to my guns. I have changed my eating plan based on my appetite whereas before I would eat it just because I had the points. I am certain of portion sizes and more conscious of the nutritional value of what i'm putting into my body. I am asking myself every morning......"How bad to you want it? ....and I find the answer becoming more clear each time. BAD!
I am not put off by the extra efforts i'm making. If anything, they are helping to motivate me even more. I feel as though i'm back in the "honeymoon" stage of weight loss......and i've not even stepped on a scale. Needless to say, i'm pretty darn proud of me. 
So until next week when I share my thoughts again, .... keep asking yourself this.....
How bad do you want it???......and what are you willing to do to get it???
I have my answer.
~Kim
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