Journal
October 9, 2003
This may just turn into a short novel so you may want to grab a tall glass of ice water or a cup of coffee before going any further. 
First things first...many of you have inquired and I'm sorry to say that there is nothing new to report in regards to my missing brother, Michael. I continue to monitor all of his accounts almost daily for any signs of movement and keep in contact with those involved in the search. Just about everyday I reach out to somebody...somewhere. His two sports cars have travelled across the country back home to Massachusetts and all of his things have been shipped here as well. Having his things here, especially the items I know were of great importance to him, has been trying to say the least. Everywhere I turn I am reminded that he is out there somewhere...alone and perhaps suffering. As time passes the not knowing is extremely difficult but in the same respect...sometimes the "no news" is good news....  ...and that's the way i've got to look at it or i'll just lose my mind. We can only hope that one day soon he will simply show up at the door. Knowing my brother and his eccentricities as well as I do this is a probable outcome to this ongoing nightmare. Although I feel as though i'm dealing well, his disappearance has taken more of a toll on me than I care to admit even to myself. I know myself well enough to understand my body's reaction to stress and all of the signs are certainly there. I just want him home.
Please know that I appreciate the e-mails, distribution of flyers and continual support from all of you more than I could say. Please keep it up as I and my family continue to need the support. We are determined to find him and need all the help we can get to make that happen.
The month of May, although quite stressful, was also VERY special for me. Someone I have been very close to for 6 years flew here all the way from New Zealand to spend some time with me and my family. We had such a wonderful visit. Here's some pics of the two of us...
  
There are few people who walk into your life and see you for who you truly are ...or hope you are anyway. Russ is one of those people that gets it and really makes you want to be a better you. His strength and mannerisms remind me alot of my father and his strong will and zest for what's most important out of life help to keep me grounded. I suppose these are some of the reasons we connect as well as we do. We can talk about nothing for hours and even read each others minds at times. He reminds me of my strengths when I am weak and loves and cares about me unconditionally. That is a hard thing to find in another person and it's something that I need very much right now. He is wise beyond his years and I am truly blessed to have him as such an important part of my life. Having him here, especially during this difficult time, was so important to me. I hope to visit him in New Zealand sometime soon.
While Russ was here, and in the months that followed, we also got alot of landscaping done around the house. We actually have some grass now and a perennial garden that I just love taking care of! It has proven to be alot of work but it's great exercise and even better stress relief. There is still so much more to do but i'm enjoying the challenge and i'm proud of what we've accomplished. Things have changed even more since I took these pictures so i'll try to add more sometime soon but you get the idea....
  
So, now that our home is starting to feel like a home....we're moving! I know, I know.....but when we built this house a couple years ago we never really planned on staying very long. This is what has been taking up much of my time these days. It is a beautiful house but it's just not our 'home'...it was an investment more than anything and it's in our best interest financially to sell now. We are going to purchase my nonno's (grandfather's) home which is owned now by my mother. That house is on an acre of land and has a long history in this city and in my family. The street that runs alongside it is actually named after my family and several of our relatives still live along it and own the property in the immediate area. This is where we all gather every Sunday morning......so it's home to us no matter who's living there. We don't know if this will be our dream home either but we do know that it will stay with us, or in our family, forever and we will enjoy taking care of it. It is a house with tons of character and lots of memories for my family. There are alot of updates we would like to make to the house but we would like to be in within the next few months so hopefully we can have our home sold by then. Even more on my proverbial plate, i know. But at least it will keep me off my  !
My nonno is a remarkable man whom I have tremendous respect for. He has made many sacrafices throughout his life to be sure his family stays healthy, happy and close knit. He is an amazing example for all of us. It's going to add so much to his life to have his great grandchildren at his side. It will be nice to have him so close to us and even better to have the chance to give back some of what he's given to all of us over the years. 
We are more than half way through our football/cheerleading season and coaching the 30 girls this year has been quite the chore. I do love it but at least 4 days a week i'm consumed with all there is to do regarding that. Competition is next weekend and as the season winds down things will settle down some.
So I guess now you all know some of what's been keeping me so busy over the past several months. Trying to sort things out in this home while planning on reconstructing and moving into the other, keeping up with the forums and emails and continuing the search for my brother all takes up quite a bit of time,
On the weight loss front things are pretty much in neutral. I haven't really lost any of what i've gained but i've not gained anymore either. I think my body really likes it where i'm at but I just can't have it. The 20-25 pounds now feels like 100 to me and i'm having a tough time with that. I see it mostly in my face which urks me and I feel it everywhere. How frustrating that it takes 100 pounds to even notice a loss and gaining 20-25 gained feels like that 100! I guess it's a good thing in the big scheme of things but it still pisses me off. All the drama that is my life certainly adds to my battle but ya know i've pretty much come to the conclusion that there will just always be drama in my life. No excuse is good enough. I just need to do what I know I need to do. For me that's getting my water in and fitting in longer sessions of constructive exercise as often as I can. It's easy enough to get swept up in the all there is to do and put myself last on my list...and that can be excused sometimes but I do it far too often these days. I find that I can still fall into the old behaviors of neglecting to eat all day long because i'm too busy with other things and then grabbing just whatever is available even though I know that's what got me close to 400 pounds in the first place. To snap myself out of it I usually take a good long look in the mirror and have a long talk with myself. lol Exercise is key for me now and it simply must be done if I want results of any kind. Baby steps! Journal's out, water cup is full and exercise is priority! These extra pounds WILL come off and the rest WILL follow. The only one who can stop me...is me...and I CAN and WILL take her!
So, i've been watching alot of news and talk shows lately and I guess it turns out we're all getting fat. Umm duh! The media acts as though this is some new revelation and 'experts' of all kinds are coming out of the woodwork to voice their miracle cures for obesity. Jared's kinda pissing me off. Sure he's lost a great deal of weight and good for him but really, how healthy is it to eat processed meat everyday? And what about fruits, veggies, calcium...you know...balanced diet? He's just a puppet for Subway...probably a pretty weathly puppet...but a puppet nonetheless.
Now that the good Doctor Atkins is gone everyone wants to be the new king carb hater and the no carb rage is in full force with low-carb diet products galore all over the place. In your quest for the quick fix please do keep in mind that low-carb products are not yet regulated by the FDA and no standards are set for products claiming to be low-carb. This means that any product can claim to be low-carb. Don't let them suck you in.
Speaking of Doctor's....lets talk a bit about Doctor Phil. I'm not sure if i'm PO'd ....I am so much more disappointed in him than anything.  I've been thinking alot about this because it truly bothers me. I once wrote him a long letter explaining my own battle and thanking him for the REAL approach he has taken to help others like me...this is not something I normally do.
Now before all you lurkers and avid doctor phil worshipers start mailing me bashing my opinion let me explain....
I do understand the good doctor's marketing and realize many of these kinds of things really are out of his control but I feel like this is a personal hit and that he's just joined the quick-fix bandwagon after years of proclaiming how it's all a ploy. I feel jilted and misled. I used to feel that he was a man that held true to his values and he would be the last person in the world to sell out. I respected him so much for that because I feel very much the same. Maybe this is all just too close to heart for me but it's how I feel because of who I am and I think my experiences over the last 6 years are what allow me my opinion. I too could be a millionaire if only i'd help support even half the advertisers that contact me to sell their products or programs on Getting2Goal. Why don't I do it? Because I know what it feels like to be 200 pounds overweight. I know the desperation and would have paid any price for anything that anybody told me would help me lose weight. I believe what we really need is in each one of us and I don't think we need to waste any more money on these kinds of things in order to figure that out. I thought he felt the same.
He may not push his products on his followers but he is a smart man that understands the human psyche and desperation of the obese. He knows that anything with his picture on it will sell simply for that reason and I would bet my life that he, and his marketing team, are counting on just that. I thought he may have been someone who could help millions in their efforts to get healthy and learn to believe in themselves and now I feel like he's just another doctor with some good advice and products to sell.
In his latest book he does tell us that these products are not necessary...even his. So what I don't understand is why he felt the need to add to the drama with is own line of products in the first place when we are already inundated with too many poor choices for substitution??? What's wrong with suggesting an apple or bannana or any other wholesome snack that the FDA may recommend? From the psychological side of things...the only thing I can gather is that I guess he figures if people need something to buy in order to feel they're actually doing something...that they have a choice...and why not earn a few more bucks off of that. It's about the money...period!
Yes, I do think Dr. Phil has some great advice for those of us who feel lost in this struggle and I would recommend him as a resource but words don't cost money. Let's do remember that although he may 'get it' ...he's never been there to the extreme that many of us have been or currently are. Our hearts are in this because it effects every single aspect of our lives. I guess he doesn't get that. Sad.
Somebody that has been there and who does get it is Fred . I would recommend this book to anyone who wants to better their lives in any way at all really. Fred has lost over 170 pounds on his own. As he states in his book, he had somewhat of a lightbulb moment in regards to his health, he then took the steps he needed and educated himself in order to make the changes he needed to make to his life. He has never looked back and he does not look for or find blame in anyone but himself. The man has no tolerance for 'can't'....and I just LOVE that kind of attitude! He has an honest, direct approach to weight loss and a no nonsense attitude when it comes to getting fit. Having been an reader of Fred's online journal for some time now I have always found his words to be a refreshing kick in the ass when I most needed it. I now consider him a friend in this battle and do look to him for inspiration and motivation to continue the fight...on my own terms. I highly recommend picking up his book and using it as another tool as you continue on your own journey. He is real, he is honest and he does what works for him. We can all stand to gain from the wisdom of someone who's done it...HIS WAY!
Well, I have more to say but i'm afraid the villiagers will light their torches and come looking for me if I don't get this entry out today.
I will be back before you know it as I need all of you right now as much as you need to hear from me!
Thanks for being there!
~Kim
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