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Barb
- BarbieGra -
Barb is up to 90 pounds off now!
My Journey so far…..
Hi, my name is Barb and I have been on the Weight Watchers program since March 5, 2001. To date, I have lost 72 pounds and I feel better each day. This is the second time I have attempted Weight Watchers. I have tried every diet imaginable including pills, starvation, calories, fat grams, Richard Simmons, Jenny Craig and many others and have never made it to my goal. Each time, I came up with some kind of excuse to quit and with each time I gained even more weight.
My weight problem started early in life, but really became a problem in my late teens. I was always the “ big one” of our high school click. Though I weighed 150 pounds, I was still heavier than my best friends and I watched them turnover boyfriends and gain popularity, while I gained weight. I used to think that I would never have a boyfriend and at times I would hate my friends for their popularity. I was an above average athlete and played Field Hockey, Volleyball and Softball. I even was selected to All-Star Teams and offered scholastic awards for athletics. Yet I was never confident enough in my ability, always thinking I was too fat to do anything about it.
I started working at age 16 and have been working ever since. By 18, I was in management, driving a great car, and making good money, but still without a boyfriend. I now weighed 180 pounds. At the time I didn’t realize how much it bothered me to not have a boyfriend. Then on July 4, 1985, I met my future husband. Unfortunately, it was not an easy relationship.
The next 10 years of my life were absolute hell. I was convinced that I could make the relationship work through thick and thin. I could fix the bird with the broken wing. My husband was an alcoholic and addict. He was abusive verbally and physically and the little self-esteem that I had left at age 19, crumbled piece by piece throughout the next 10 years of my life. With each piece of self-esteem came 10 more pounds of unwanted weight.
Our first son, Billy was born in November of 1986 .My husband had been drinking heavily the night that I went into labor, so I drove him to the hospital. I believed that our son would help our relationship. Maybe my husband would quit drinking and not be so mean to me. I managed to keep my weight to 180 pounds before and after the pregnancy. I knew that if I gained any weight, my husband would get angry. I remember eating at fast food restaurants and making sure that I cleaned all the trash out of the car before my husband would see it. I remember using breath mints to cover the smell of hamburger breath. I remember the stress of cooking meals that only he would eat and being afraid to eat any of it.
Our second son, Aaron was born in August of 1989. By this time, my husband had been through several rehab programs and in and out of jail. I had shunned all of my friends because I was so embarrassed of my life. Even my family, who means more to me than life itself, I drove a wedge between. Aaron was premature and born 6 weeks early. We almost lost him. It was a terrible pregnancy. Extremely stressful. I was sick the entire 7 ½ months and I gained 60 pounds. Aaron was born with congenital pnemonia. His lungs were the size of lima beans and when I arrived at Hershey Medical Center, a chaplain was saying a prayer over his incubator. I really thought that I was going to lose him. My husband only cared that I had gained so much weight and wondered if I was going to be able to lose it. Aaron recovered miraculously and is a thriving 12 year old today!
The fat remarks occurred daily. The more he remarked, the more I ate. I think in some sick kind of way I figured I was getting back at him for being so hateful. It made me feel better to eat behind his back. But everyone could see that I was gaining weight. By Aaron’s fourth Birthday, I weighed 250 pounds. I didn’t care about my appearance or have many friends. I had become a being that lived each day in fear and in food. My children meant more to me than anything, yet I couldn’t break the cycle of destruction. My self-esteem was zero and I was so starving for attention. I had forgotten what it was like to have a normal conversation with someone that you loved. I had forgotten the freedoms that life had to offer.
When I met Donny, my dear boyfriend, it was love at first “conversation”. He was my brother-n-laws best friend and we happened to meet at my sisters house in the Summer of 1994. I could not believe that two perfect strangers could just sit down and talk for hours, but we did. We became the best of friends and he helped me come to the realization that my marriage was over. I now know that the marriage was over before it even began. I filed for divorce in the Winter of 1995. The divorce was horrible, mean and destructive emotionally, physically and financially. I got though it, my kids got through it and we are all happy now. I do not know where my ex-husband is. He hasn’t seen the kids in over four years and doesn’t pay child support. I am still paying for the divorce and for that life. I wouldn’t change a thing about my life today other than to live it to the fullest.
When the before picture was taken in October 2000, I had topped 300 pounds. I remember the feeling well the day that my mother showed me that picture. It was in November of 2000, Thanksgiving Day. I looked at the picture and saw the look on my face and I realized that my life was more to me now than that picture reflected. I had wonderful children, a loving family, and the most understanding and encouraging man I had ever met in my life. Why did I still look so miserable?
For the next 5 months, I talked to myself every day. I listened to how I felt and remembered that photo. I looked at my ankles at the end of the day and took in the swelling that surrounded my sock tops. I powdered the rash that had developed between my thighs from too much walking. I continued to over eat. I watched my kids play in the yard while I sat in the recliner. I woke at 10 am on the weekends while Donny and the boys had breakfast together. I continued to over eat.
On March 5, 2001, I joined Weight Watchers. I weighed 321 pounds, my highest weight ever. I finally had enough time to think about me and to think about what I was missing. It seemed that now I was missing something that I didn’t have the courage to miss in the past. It seemed that now I had something to look forward to. Funny how it takes so long to get over these things and to truly begin to heal on the inside. The inside of me needed time to see what had happened on the outside. Donny gave me that time and the support to help me see it. My boys are teenagers now and we have fun together. Not tense fun, but serious fun!!
As of November 9, 2001 I have lost 72 pounds of the me that I want to forget. With each pound that I lose, I feel as if it is an old wound healing. I am active and energetic. I care about my appearance inside and out. I have wonderful friends and the best family that anyone could ask for. I have a total of 160 pounds to lose and I will get there, one pound at a time. My ankles don’t swell anymore and I don’t get rashes between my thighs. I play with the boys and I don’t even sit in the recliner anymore, except on Survivor night!! My journey is being good to me right now and that is all that I can ask for.
Update 3/30/02
My 36th birthday is this weekend and it marks a little over a year on the WW program. For the past three months I have been working hard to reach 100 pounds lost by this day. I am proud to say that I have lost 91 pounds. Things continue to get better in my life. I think the little things mean more to me now than they ever did. Playing sports, long walks in the country, owning sneakers again (not one, but two pair) , and a powerful daily feeling of being capable to do normal things. Fitting in chairs, running to get out of the rain, taking the stairs, and being whistled at by construction workers are a few of the things I enjoy today. Each time I sit in a chair, I measure the distance between my hips and the edges of the chair. I used to bruise from these chairs. Now, I can wiggle and wobble and have room to spare!!! The most enjoyment comes from the pleasure I now get from my family. I have energy to do those things that I was too tired to do in the past at 321 pounds.
My weight loss has slowed down yet I see new changes in my body everyday. My arms aren't as giggly, my back has curves and my thighs are shrinking. And, I even like my new driver's license picture!! I am becoming concerned with the loose skin that has developed on my thighs and arms, but I have noticed that it is toning up some. I'll cross that bridge when I get to goal. I continue to use the WW program and have found nothing better. The program fits my life and allows me the freedom to eat the foods I want to eat. (Even if you don't like veggies) I have learned to accept my program slips for what they are and have worked hard on my state of mind. Whenever I feel down, I think about where I was and how far I have come. That is the key to keeping it alive.
I have made many new friends through the support of this site and have met many of you. The Vegas trip last October and our recent get together in Toledo has helped fulfill me emotionally. I love each and every one of the people I meet on this journey and feel fortunate to have them in my life. I learn something from each of them everyday and the support and inspiration is what keeps me going. I cannot wait for the Boston get together this Fall! The formula for success has become clear to me at this point. The right support + the right program + treating yourself right = Success. Until next time…..somewhere around 125 pounds gone….I'll add to this story.
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