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Casey
- willowthekittycat -
Cassey has now lost 215 pounds and reached her personal goal!!!
When did I hit bottom? You know... a couple of years ago I knew for about a year that I was at least 350 lbs, but I didn't do a blasted thing about it. I was sick all the time, I felt terrible, and I rarely left the house. I thought I was dying... but even that didn't keep me from eating. My rationale was this: 350 isn't so bad. My DH was worried about me and he told me he thought our scales were maybe not right. I was totally upset by that, I was like... whatever, there is no way possible I weigh more than 350 lbs. About a year and a half ago, we had just got done moving and DH said to me again that we should maybe try to get healthier. He went and bought a digital scale for me to try. It would only weigh in to 330 lbs. I thought, oh... maybe I have lost some weight. So I tried it... didn't work.... I was like... ok... I just need to lose 10 lbs or so, and it will work. So I dieted for about a week... and I was getting more depressed by the day when it wasn't working. DH decided to help. He set up this pulley system in our basement. Hooked up to the ceiling. I put it under my butt, and it would displace a certain amount of weight (which he used from his weights set) and i could weigh myself. He tested it with him first. He got weighed, and then put a 25 lb weight under him and got weighed and he was 25 lbs lighted. I was like, ok ... cool. I tried it. 25 lbs didn't work. Huh... ok... now this means i weigh at least 355... so he put another 25 lb weight on... now this meant that there would be 50 lbs under my butt. Got on. WHAT? It didn't work. Oh great.... I weigh at least 380 now. He put on another 10 lbs weight. It worked.... it showed 328 lbs. 328 + 60 lbs of weights = 388.... and i had already been dieting for almost 2 weeks by then.
I have to say... I thought I had really hit rock bottom in that moment. Everything came crashing in on me. 390 lbs. Probably more really... 390 was unfathomable to me. 390 lbs were those people that were dying on oprah... having wls and too fat to move out of a doorway. 390 to me... meant death.
I ran upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door and I laid down on the floor and cried for hours. I didn't just cry... I wailed. I was in agony. My DH sat outside the door and cried with me. For the first time in our marriage I had locked him out, I was ashamed and I felt lost. I couldn't imagine how I had let myself do this. What kind of disgusting monster was I? DH finally got the door open and helped me pull myself together. I never wanted to get up off the floor again.
We sat there and came up with a plan. He reminded me that it wasn't too late. That if we did something now, things could change. So I vowed I would make the change. I started right then and there. Diet. Ugly word. For 1 miserable month I dieted. I pretty much starved myself... it was totally unhealthy. I took off 20 lbs... then I failed again. Why? 2 reasons: 1. I still wanted food more because I wasn't eating properly at all 2. I wasn't listening to myself or God. I am a Christian, but here I was with the worst problem I had ever faced, and I wasn't listening to God for even one second. What a hypocrite.
So I went back to eating. I didn't gain it back, but I certainly didn't lose. 3 months of that went by and it was about 2 weeks before Christmas, last year. I had a dizzy spell and diabetes was the suspect. I was once more flabbergasted. Diabetes. Man... that runs rampant in my family. I was so disappointed with myself. I felt like if I had diabetes, it was my fault... I was the one who was eating myself to death. I was terrified. 2 days before Christmas I got word back that I didn't have it. I WAS SO HAPPY!!!! But I was still like... whoa... what a scare... maybe I should take it easy on the holiday food this year. I lost 10 lbs over Christmas and new years.... so... then I was about 362 or something like that.
What did I do after Christmas... Why... I ate of course. I ate and ate... thankfully (and I believe luckily), I didn't put any back on, I certainly deserved to gain, with the way I ate. I kept asking myself... why am I doing this. I really am going to be diabetic next time... or I will have heart disease or something. I was always in some pain or another. 3 + years I had been having pain in my chest all the time... feeling sick all the time.
And I hate to end it like a fairy tale, but really... one sunny day this past April. I woke up from my self imposed nightmare. I was tired of feeling sick. I was tired of being the fattest person in the room. I was mostly tired of being tired. I wanted to be different. I felt like I was a good person and I had a lot to offer the world. I felt like God had been there trying to help me for 3-4 years and I just didn't take the help. That very day I watched Oprah. Oprah's weight loss stories are very inspiring. That day there were so many people she showed who lost weight... not as much as I needed to lose, but inspiring all the same. I cried for the whole hour. Then the man came on that needed to lose more than I needed to lose. He was crying... because he was so happy. I wanted it too. I wanted to be happy too. I wanted to cry because I didn't weigh 390 lbs or 360 lbs anymore. I had always used every excuse not to diet or exercise. I didn't have any left. That man did it. I went and got DH and said look... that man did it. DH couldn't understand me because I was crying so hard, but he saw that the man was crying too. I said I want it too, we're going for a walk. I washed my face. Went to the kitchen and threw out all the bad food. And right then and there the new me was here. I was tired of crying over her. We went for a walk and I was like a woman possessed. I wanted to be healthy. I wanted to be alive. I made a deal with myself to lose 10 lbs. And if after I lost 10 lbs I wanted to lose another 10, then I could decide that then. I never thought then or think now about how much I needed or still need to lose in total. Just 10 lbs. All I think about is... man, I only need to lose 10 lbs. Or now... 7 lbs, because as I get lower, I lower the number, as it is harder to lose at lower weights.
When I found G2G about 3 weeks after I started my journey... I knew that these were changes I was making for life. For years I had asked God for help, and I believe that G2G was something He led me to. I believe now that He wants us to help ourselves. I know there is no magic answer now. I know this is a committment for life. I guess that's why I call it a journey. Diet is too ugly a word. G2G has played such a major roll in my journey. I don't know what I would do without it now.
When I made my life about learning how to be healthier, instead of just thinner, I changed. Never before had I wanted to be "healthy". I had always associated Thin=Happy. Now I know better. Healthy=Happy and there are no two ways about that.
I know I have certainly rambled on for far too long today, but I just have to say to everyone out there, you are not alone. I like knowing I'm not alone anyomore. But until I found G2G... I never knew it.
Just when I think this is going to get easy, it doesn't. Something happens, or someone says something, or I just want pizza so bad I am ready to fight a person for it. I want to rip my hair out on some days. I know what you are feeling and I know that probably everyone here does. That pain is inexplicable. It is untouchable. It sits there on our hearts and in our stomachs and makes it hard to breathe. Some days I want the bad food more than I want anything. But the days when I don't want it... those are the good days. No matter what, the world is always going to throw those curve balls at us. We just have to consciously make that choice do let it hit me and knock me down, or do I catch it and throw it back harder.
What keeps me going? I want this more. Even on the days when I think I want pizza and chocolate more than anything... I still want this more. There may be a time, could be today could be months from now, when I break. I can't predict that, but for this moment... I want this more.
I have always been terrified to talk about all of this, but you know, it feels kind of good now to let it all out. Somehow I am different and stronger... or maybe just different, but in a good way.
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